Actual things midwives have said to me (and a friend)

of the midwives I have met during three pregnancies have been kind, reassuring
and pretty sensible. Some of them however have been CRAZY…


During labour: “That’s it Ellie! I can see
your bottom winking at me! That’s a really good sign! Keep winking!”

This happened to a friend of mine during
labour: LOUDLY “Ahhh we have a little delivery! Don’t worry I’ll clear this up before
the baby arrives”

During a pregnancy check up:  “Oh yes! I can tell it’s a boy in there  – he’s really flirting with me! Oh my
boyfriend is a lively one!”

During a home visit check up at my
neighbours house (long story but basically I got locked out and had to ask my
dog owning neighbours if I could have my appointment in their front room):
“Ahhhhhhhheeeeeeeeeeeee!!! I hate dogs. Get it away from me. No! No! Nooooooo!
“ Midwife jumps on sofa in manner of Tom Cruise.

“Can I give you the form next time I see
you? I’ve left it in the car and I’m wearing silly heels and it’s snowing.”
Look down to see midwife is wearing hot pink stilettos.

Phone rings: Hello is that Elizabeth?

No, sorry you’ve got the wrong number. Hang

 Phone rings: Hello is that Elizabeth?

No, sorry
– you’ve got the wrong number again.

This is a community midwife, I want
Elizabeth Crampon.

Umm – this is Eleonore Crompton  – my middle name is Elizabeth…

Yes, yes that’s right- there were so many
names on the form I just picked one.”

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